I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
