I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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