Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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