roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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