apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
