In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
