After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
he just fucked me for my cheese.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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