Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
