The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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