seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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