dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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