yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
