Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
