i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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