You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
