I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
