Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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