Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
