The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize
