i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize