Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I look better un-naked...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
