I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
