so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Randomize
