you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
