He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
