so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
