my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
