It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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