I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
