so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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