I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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