Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
