i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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