My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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