Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
