we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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