I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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