literally had 100 drinks last night.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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