Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
