I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
