I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
