Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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