just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
