i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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