I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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