Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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