I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
