I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
