Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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