Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
