I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I think your dad took our porno
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
