I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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