Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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