He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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