Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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