nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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