The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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