i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
