everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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