boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
