Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Of course I have a pirate flag
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
