Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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