so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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