in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
